July 17, 2004 12.47am
hmm. interesting. now we tamper with font types and colours! fun de fun fun.
 
okay. lemme say this in a whoosh.. I PASSED!!!
up till now, i still can't believe it. seriously. i couldn't even breathe for three hours plus plus afterward, and the little flutterbys in my tummy were still alive.. till the hungry stomach juices digested em'... cos' i didn't eat my lunch for fear of puking it out on the tester.
okay. i totally agree with munnyboo now. it's seriously one of the more harrowing experiences i'll ever have in my entire life. i was speaking through clenched lips all the time... each time i made a mistake my whole face would colour up.. .and it would become seriously HOT inside there..especially when i wanted to change gear to third and instead shifted to first! the whole car shook and grumbled.. ACK. and the tester went to turn the aircon down some more. ah well. i think i've repeated my whole story to zillions of people by now so you'll all be tired of my trash, so if you wanna find out what exactly happened, ring me up or take me out to lunch.
 
that's one of the few things i've set out to accomplish this year. i'm glad i managed to do it.thanks all you pals who dispensed good advice and calming thoughts... heh. couldn't have done it without you.  and now me parents say i'll only be able to drive on sunday mornings to church, but it's a start, like kim says. ;P now i just want my humiliation at SI to be over and done with. i think i won't get through it, and i really don't mind, so make my public death quick and painless. hee. i'd rather pass my driving test on the first try anyday. oh, and after next week i'll probably not be able to say anything about SI due to the secrecy pact, so i can't say if i got in or not. yup, all the better, then people can't ask me about it... o_O till then.. i must FOCUS on winning that overseas exchange programme deal. onward!


July 14, 2004 3.10pm
exactly one more month to go.

and boy do i have lots to do in that one last month of nineteen-ship. haha. i've already gotten one present (! i never thought i'd get one so soon but hey, presents are always welcome, thanks jaclyn!), a bag from this shop in the arts house. joses says he's got jov's and my presents sorted out as well, but apparently he only saw it in some shopfront and hasn't bought it yet. o_O. anyway. i haven't decided what to buy for the rest yet. august impending always means i go broke.. what with literally everyone's birthday coming up. at least i know what to get for josh.. he keeps begging me to buy an avatar set for him on gunbound. now whoever said you couldn't play to get a present? haha. i think he'll bounce up and down if i could give him something... only if stupid gb wouldn't lock him out of the avatar shop if his security is limited. the email system seems to be down..i keep checking and no emails from gb are sent to enable me to change the security!! i think i have to send in a complaint to the GIS team soon.

for those whom the above seemed utter gibberish, don't bother. xD
for those who think they can help me, however, post comments. haha!
right now i'm taking a respite from keying in records on my com... eating ski d'lite creamy peach and mango yoghurt. trying to abstain from the abundance of chocolate treats in the pantry. sigh. anyhow. things are looking up.. what with getting paid yesterday and all. taking leave on friday for the driving test, and i'm so so so DEAD SCARED of messing it up and failing. i really WANT to pass the first time round, and with the way my schedule's piled up, there's absolutely NO WAY i can book another test anytime soon. so yeah. i need a calm head. it hasn't helped with naysayers telling me i should just take the test with the "i'm gonna fail anyway so why stress" mentality. thanks alot guys.
 watched 10 things i hate about you again last night, though i really needed my sleep. i think it's probably the only teen movie i'll ever like. totally hate the rest, whatwith everything being predictable and the language being downright trashy and bitchy and, like, you, like, get what i mean. however this movie's always amusing and unpredictable for first-timers, and everyone speaks like walking thesauri. "the shit hath hitteth the fan..." don't go watch mean girls. watch this one. even my DAD stayed up with me to watch it. HAHAa... and goodness if someone knows any guy with heath ledger's voice INTRODUCE me to him. we can just be friends. ;P


  posted by juice.susceptible @ 12:00 PM

 
July 7, 2004 9.01am
when i was going to school, i used to keep a calendar that i brought around with me everywhere. but when the holidays started, i didn't like to wear a watch, or carry around a calendar. kinda letting the chaos element rule for once, and time flies much more quickly when you don't have a watch to keep checking. anyway. that's my excuse for double booking some people this week, lunch appointments made WAAAAY in advance and i'm so sorry to have forgotten it completely, there's been tons on my mind and things to do. gack. for those flying off soon... i'll MAKE time! just ring my mobile kay? at night... i usually keep it on silent during the day.

things to do things to do. in the past few weeks there've been deaths upon deaths. passings of friends, family. everything happens so soon, it's incredible but i realise i've forgotten that God holds the power of life in His hand, He can easily choose to take it away. but sometimes i yearn for mine to be taken away, more time spent on this earth causes me to be caught up in all the frivolities and the unnecessary, to become more selfish and materialistic. what a hard battle we fight!
last night my mom voiced her concerns for my maternal grandma, who's turning 87 this year, i think. she told me that i had better sing one song for mama's birthday this year. to heck with my self-conscious fears... who cares if i look like an unglam idiot. i must create a memory that'll last her forever.

meanwhile. i must write a letter of recommendation for myself, but being so self-negative i have nothing good to say. i hate this self-selling, but it must be done. this is all i've dreamed about since young, studying overseas i mean. gahhh. my boss says he's got no time to write such a letter so i must write it and he'll sign.. oh man. if given free rein i'd write: "negatively self-absorbed girl who looks three months pregnant but isn't seeks desperately to escape her torture chamber of webbed responsibility, thus has applied for a foreign exchange programme because she's too pathetic to face herself and her demons of depression and loneliness. needs time to immerse herself in a totally new culture so that she can realise that despite her insignificance there may be others worse off than her, so she'd better 'wake up her idea'. please give her this chance so that she realises something in her life can actually be done right."

sometimes i just lie on my bed.
don't know what to do.
don't want to move.
moving is such a chore.
i've been messing up everything.
doing everything wrongly.
if i close my eyes for long enough
can i create the illusion that i'm dead?

 
June 30, 2004 11.20AM
i've heard somewhere that the quality you most hate in people is most probably one you have yourself.

funnily enough, this phrase and its connotations, its reflections have been resounding in my head of late. if you were to ask me, right now, i'd truthfully tell you i only really really hate two people on this earth. i haven't been able to bring myself to forgive them yet, and i know it's a flaw of mine, not being able to forgive, that is. but it really takes alot to make me hate you, and if i've reached that point, there's practically no turning back. when Judgement Day comes and i have to face my Maker, this will probably make the top ten list of sins i haven't been able to erase or atone for.

aaanyway. i was thinking about this for the past few days. i guess the one essential quality i hated the most for these two people was that they were extremely self-centred, to the point where they didn't even realise that they were hurting others, so trivial everyone else meant. the only time they decided to give others was calculated so that they would reap a benefit. otherwise, it was "leave me the hell alone" or "do what I say or get out of MY way". it always irked me so much, that these people still managed to find friends who didn't mind being trod upon, like doormats. only these doormats were blank, without welcome signs, taken for granted they would clean themselves up after the mess was made.

and then this phrase came along. i started to think about it, and came to the realisation that perhaps i, too have created enemies this way, by the casual dismissal of my hand or a diverted look when people try to get my attention or require my time, my compassion, my listening ear. i guess i never really meant to do these things, i was just caught up in myself. yes, i honestly admit it, i am guilty of being truly quite self-centred. i wage wars within but you see, even though i disagree with my decisions and practically everything to do with myself, i'm STILL focused upon self.

so i'm going to try. i'm sorry if i've ever hurt anyone in the way that i've been hurt, and i'm going to try to make time for others, despite my jam-packed schedule. if you look at nat's blog, i totally agree that you can't bring money or achievements in life with you when you die, you only bring the memories of relationships you've had. so call me up anytime, i'll listen to you. life's so short, i don't want to make others' lives miserable if i can help it. yup, it's time to reshift the focus.

 


  posted by juice.susceptible @ 11:59 AM