14th August 2004 Saturday

when you look down out of windows of great height
you may catch the shadows of passing clouds.

and the tears dropped softly, softly
for the girl that was never there but was
endless corridors within corridors
murky black depths of her hidden flaws

nineteen wasn't a good year
neither was eighteen or seventeen
don't know how she goes on living
when she feels that living is sin.

this sadness flows as a dark undercurrent
an everpresent deathwish
curbed by the thoughts of caned cold corpses
and weeping wombs.
that were never barren in reality but useless in the end
because death is the only statistic
that humans cannot argue with. we've tried.

and so the happiness gets drained
each second each minute each holiday
guilt seeps in through the cracks religion's wrought
no air to breathe as conscience drowns consciousness
the forced laughter a fake front
left alone and idle the warm rain falls through windows

growing older hurts so much
growing closer hurts even more
to run, run and keep on running
forever sounds a tempting dream.

her fuel shall be the pain anger remorse and hurt
of remembrances past
o! that the shattered memories and spilled blood would fly away on fragile wings
and leave her senseless to seeming friendship
because she no longer trusts
and nearly no longer cares.

and so tears drop softly, softly
for the girl who was never there but was
endless corridors within corridors
black pools of pain upon her wooden floors.




  posted by juice.susceptible @ 1:37 AM

 
4th August 2004, Wednesday

been running dry of things to say for the past few days. and you know i never write anything that's unworthy of entertainment or thought, so here's my next offering.

i just came back from dinner and drinks with my company... for once it was really really nice not to have to worry about the tab. we had dinner at the tower club (and at this announcement my mother and father gave a collective oooh) but the fare was simple and straightforward (so they say but my stomach was undoubtedly satisfied), just shark's fin, peking duck, chicken, fish in thai sauce, beancurd with crabmeat, eefu noodles. oh and goreng pisang done the chic way, with a bit of red bean paste inside. the view was fantastic though, at the 63rd level with windows running the full length of the Zhang Guo Lao Room (one of the Ba Xian??), towering over EVERYTHING... my own office building was puny.. even capital tower! the sunset was my constant source of entertainment..changing everytime i glanced out the glass.

and boy can my fellow american colleagues drink. apparently over the weekend three of them racked up a total of a cool 1K of alcohol. that's crazy. really crazy. no wonder one of them (the one who exclaimed "will you live??" when i slit my thumb with a penknife) claims he's really dead broke... no wonder, alcohol is so expensive in singapore. this ain't germany, ya know. the only other way to TRY to save money is to brew your own, and we all know that isn't really easy either. work to earn to drink. i think that's their motto. anyway. so we ended up at indochine. had (this drink called) sex on the beach, quite fruity tutie tasting, unlike isaac's thick banana rum thingy. became easy prey to mosquito bites, and despite some awkward pauses at times conversation was kept flowing... i realise that sometimes i envy those who fly all over the world so often, but hearing the schedules of these guys, maybe envy shouldn't really be the case, it should be admiration at their stamina and tenacity. to give the same presentation over and over again, to never be tired despite the changing time zones and immense jet lag, to be able to handle difficult clients and prospects. wow.

lenny gave isaac and me a lift home in his banana-ey mini. the antique sort. it's a nice car lar. no matter whatever comments i might make. it's one of a kind!

ah well. in the meantime i shall scrub out the blue dye in my hair (that has yet to show, think my hair is as stubborn as i am)... poor meiyi tried to help me on sunday but nothing happened... save for me staining my scalp blue and causing my boss to think i had some incurable disease of the blue-spotted-scalp variety. and the foam always turns violet/lavender when i wash my hair. pretty foam. but it's not quite nice when it stains my towel and tee-shirts.. hopefully it won't stain my taekwondo gi tomorrow haha. perhaps i shall try my best to get something done for my hair during the bangkok trip.

speaking of the bangkok trip... daniel cai can finally, confirmed go! the silly dude gave me zan and jotham such a fright... yeah so now it's down to deciding how much money i have to change to thai baht. i probably have to bring just three empty bags and two tees and two pairs of shorts and one toothbrush. gotta buy like 6 pairs of fake birkies for everybody. XD hope i remember everyone's sizes and choice of design, though i'm not giving a guarantee i'll be able to find what you want. by the way, check out my new phlogger board. down there on the right. sms updates from me. talk about technology advance.

time's moving so crazyfast. i'm not done being nineteen yet. STOP!

 
26th July 2004, Monday
well i'm now sitting at my workstation, all by my lonesome. today the people on my left and right are on leave, so i'm left by myself to decide whether or not to slack or to furiously work. and of course, right now i'm technically slacking, by updating my beautiful public on whatever's happened to me for the past however-many days.
well i went to watch the woman in black with my colleagues.. it wasn't really scary enough though for that night i kept envisioning a scarier version creeping up behind me while i brushed my teeth. suffice to say it was sound effects and lighting techniques that instigated the shocks and screams.. the plot itself was far more interesting... while perhaps it may be something we've all read about before, it's certainly something i've never watched in live theatre. go watch it if you can spare the moolah.
next, i went for that singapore idol thingy thing last wednesday and thursday... yup i got kicked out, am a bit sore about my circumstances but yeah, there's really no excuse for a poor performance i guess. aren't allowed to say more lest i get caught in a legal dilemma, and you people, the friends and family i've talked to about this matter, aren't allowed to leak it out either. haha. secrecy and such, clauses i've signed in some legal contract. bah. i think the competition brought out a bit of the bad bitch in me... haha. well perhaps not really bitchBITCH, but just someone who isn't afraid to talk about what irks her. and in case people think i'm too nice (haHA) to be a bitch, well, i've been trying to keep her behind bars since junior college. hopefully she never busts out.

i got my blue belt. so i suppose they must've been really right when they said the examiner didn't see my boo-boo at the end of the pattern. phew.

yesterday i had dinner with my university ushers group and the other teams too. a bit sad to see the seniors leaving just when we had begun to gum.. well life moves on. if you're interested in the photographs go %20style="color:#ffffff;">http://www.photobucket.com and type solitarysinger in the album name, and type doodeedoo for the password. yup. it' is.
went to visit the CORS website just now. missed my round zero and now i realise i have no modules that i can bid for right now! how irritating. goooosfrabaaa.... people think nus is fantastic and everything runs smoothly without a hitch but ha. i laugh in their faces. thank goodness i don't have it as bad as my friend from poly though... supposedly she's in year 3 by now but they still think she's in year 2 cos' she only enrolled last year... ah well. glitchyparp.
my half nightmare on friday night:i dreamt i was following a group of nameless peoplefollowing in a single filea gut feeling told me it was something fearful illegaldidn't know what, didn't know wherejust somewhere close to the sea
we were on a sheer cliff, protected by a thin wire fenceand suddenly my group veered hard leftand through a hole in the fence we wentsingle file.without a barrierstraight down was the moonlit vast seawhat a drop it was!
and then we came to a gap in the pathway

chasmed deep. a high platform to a low one.

a faceless guy jumped first, and held his arms out for the rest to helpgirls women kept going by and pushing me to the sidequietly i let them go onnever asserting my right to go firstperhaps they thought i was scared? i surely wasn't.
and then i woke up, and imagined the guy turning away, unseeing.i realised i had to jump alonewithout an encouraging pair of arms to catch me if i fellmy face smashed against the side of the white cliffas i hurtled into the blameless sea.so sean, that was it, my half-nightmare. not really a true one because i realise it was a dream that told me something about my nature, that sometimes i daren't speak up to strangers, i daren't cause trouble even when i'm at a disadvantage. perhaps it was a wakeup call to me. i had better be assertive next time. hmmm.