Thursday October 14, 2004

and the dust gathers so quickly upon the table

i think i must be shedding skin at least five times faster than the average person.. i know not why the desk gains a fine layer of dust every day or so. it's frightful.. kinda like that neologism (word for newly-coined words) in Androids, the kipple-ization of my room. i wipe the dust away only to have it return vengefully the next day. i wonder what it'll be like if i'm gone... perhaps the dust will follow me wherever i go, like poor pig pen XD. in any case, i need a personal maid. french, preferably. goodness knows i need a makeover. hahaaa.

meanwhile. congratulations kim for passing your driving! welcome to the club! now we just have to wheedle our parents into letting us have the car more often.. so far i've just been driving around the vicinity of home, school and church, which isn't a very big radius actually.

anyways. i managed to watch a complete movie with both parents tonight.. while both boys were sleeping peacefully. weird, considering if it's a film that my dad likes watching (aka action) my mom will go into the kitchen and busy herself with chores, while if it's a film my mom likes watching (like the classics) it'll be my dad's early night in to bed. that's why, when both stuck it out with me on the sofa till the end of notting hill i felt quite pleasantly surprised. perhaps it's because it may be impending that i'll be gone for awhile, therefore no more shirking about when i'm around and spending leisure time. hmm. i don't know, but romantic comedies, i still feel bitter about their predictable happy endings. classic hollywood cinema. but this time i'm quite satisfied with the british wit flying about, their accents always make me wistful for perfect english. do people really speak like that way over there in foggy england? convolutedly, with elaborate connotations that really mean crude things? haha. tanya, if you see this, please enlighten me.

i henceforth shall aspire to be impressively happy.

if only that were true. reminds me, today i was ushering for dick lee's exxonmobil concert, and despite the several negative comments many people (including myself i admit) have made about him, he truly is a good performer, able to engage the audience well. and he does have a good singing voice, i suppose which is the fruit of years of training, the bloke is 48 years old for goodness' sake. i shall try to learn to get rid of the bad stuff quick, like he advised which was the secret of his youthful looks. hmmm. people, try to smile downwards? haha. then you'd end up like my imagined version of lady bracknell in The Importance of Being Earnest.

my premium membership at the library was apparently of an expired state, and i didn't realise exactly HOW MUCH time has actually passed by. this is the THIRD time i'm paying for the premium membership, for goodness' sake! it's the TENTH month of 2004, i can barely remember anything, it seems like the transition from one university year to another takes place on a normal january to december basis, where did the time go? i think i'm speaking under the influence of Molloy now, how terrible, run-on sentences are. i was talking to joseph the other day on msn and i told him i speak far more often with him than with any other church member now. i wonder why. are things getting too distant between all of us? even now i feel the fragmentation more than ever. somehow i can't connect with you all anymore. and i feel noone's going to bother to initiate the reconciliation. ah well. it's better this way perhaps, to move on. i don't know what i'd say to you either. there's nothing much to say.

i had my taekwondo grading last sunday with gail and gang, i believe gail and i did well despite a little hiccup where our (literally) 360 degrees pattern collided and i had to wait for the guy beside me to turn to the right. to celebrate a successful grading gail amy and i went on a MEGA shopping spree... spent money i ought not to have spent, and on cutting all the price tags last night to send the clothes into the wash i realise that they're all grey toned.. indicative of my general mood perhaps? i really don't know.off to study french i go. toujours beaucoup de devoirs, non? sooks when you start french i can practice it with you! hehe ;P

serial dreamer had time to talk trash at 1:55 AM

Wednesday September 29, 2004

sitting here beside kim during our computing lecture, not paying attention to what seems suspiciously like the stuff i used to struggle with back in the dreary days of economics and math. the nash equilibrium? heck it already, why can't we all just let life be, and not try to figure out if we can plot human behaviour using a computer programme. hand up your work on floppy disks... pfffft. floppy disks are SO last century.although i DO have an idea that i just posited to kim, for our computing project anyways (for which NONE of the guys are showing their faces, much less to say even replying our emailed pleas to meet for the bloody FIRST discussion). let's plot lecture behaviour! how long the students can be bothered to listen till they want to leave/fall asleep/buy a snack/go online and blog just like i'm doing. and when the number of students leave/fall asleep et cetera, the morale of the lecturer drops and he begins to talk even more gibberish than he already is doing. it's a lose-lose situation, folks. to hell with the one-dimensional cellular automaton thingy. what i'm i DOING in the science faculty anyways?? the very air itself is fraught with heavy oppression.

my ex-colleague is emailing me from the office to come celebrate oktoberfest this coming friday at his place... one of those chinatown walkups. tres cool. and while i complain about the taxi fare to him, he reminds me that there's gonna be free (!!) beer and wine which will exceed the cost of my taxi fare, something i cannot argue with, actually. any takers? ishak will probably hound me to bring him but he doesn't know the link to my blog anyhoo. hehe. besides, he'll embarrass me. eeeks don't tell him i said that.

i managed to watch love actually yesterday. i figure my life's somewhat like those things that don't work out (look at karl and sarah) because family always gets in the way and i'm too darned good at following the so-called RIGHT priorities. somebody SCHtOP me from evaluating everything and deciding that certain situations will not go down well on celluloid (remember that i perceive my reality as perpetual film, thus leading to thoughts such as but the breakup will be horrible!).. perhaps i'll go wild during exchange, and will the darned university hurry up and reply?? need to start saving up if i really do decide to backpack across america in june/july. any contributors to the "help-hannah-see-more-of-creation" fund are gladly welcomed. i was just thinking the other day about how scattered the people i know are, and realised that there'll come a time when we'll all really KNOW people in each country, each city. we singaporeans are spreading ourselves far and wide. is that a good thing? as far as i'm concerned.. i think nationality is losing its significance, especially ever since the borders became more permeable with the introduction of fast flight. i can't wait to be one of those people overseas. my turn WILL come, i know it.

serial dreamer had time to talk trash at 3:15 PM

Friday September 17, 2004

you don't know it for sure.

i wonder why things aren't ever concrete in reality, and then the answer comes from my scifi tutorial discussion which i led on monday. our randomness, utter unpredictability is what makes us human. does this mean that women, far from being the weaker sex, are the stronger human? haha. something for you to chew cud on.

but of late i've been getting extremely impatient. which is bad. i'm sorry for, when talking to people, i shift constantly from foot to foot, or tap my feet incessantly, like some guy desperately in need to pee. it's just that i'm so stressed that i think every minute counts (okay maybe every 10-minute block, i just exaggerate).. and these past few days have been a whirlwind of forgetting to eat (instant stuff, microwaved leftovers and takeaway potato salad, anyone?) and trying to shock my mind into a so-called dune-ish "higher awareness"... so that the brain can just forget about the preliminary build-up and just get on to the final conclusion. i tend to meander in thought. bad for literature students, they end up with haphazard essays. jovian says lucas will just cream uni. i think he's not too far from the truth, especially if you just stick to what you're good at, literature. but you'll definitely have to put in some time researching to add to your mental library... just significantly less from all us other university students. and i don't like taking your own sweet time to arrive at conclusions. it just makes me mad. even at myself, when i dither. just DO it already.

i overslept on tuesday, thereby missing a french lecture and getting totally drenched in the rain from an umbrella that had a hole smack in the middle. to just get an idea of how muddled my brain is right now, i actually brought that faulty umbrella home just to dump it into the trashbin at home. i should've dumped it in school, but NO. sigh. oh, and this other thing about sighing... why do i sigh so much? it's getting to be an irritatingly subconscious habit. how much of our behaviour is unintentional? perhaps it's controlled by that little quizilla phrase that told me i'm terminally depressed.. it's floating around somewhere in that milky pool of brain. anyway. my french lecturer... i take it back that i said he's anal, he's not lar. some nice people in my class were complaining to him that everyone's not been getting enough sleep (thus our poor results for the first french test, i scraped a bare pass), and so he was like saying "you guys probably need a week's worth of sleep to get over this lesson" for today which was a totally convoluted grammaire lesson. objet et sujet... ne rien. so, my letter of oversleeping was accepted. admittedly i got my mom to add in something else "feeling unwell so i let her sleep in not knowing she fully intended to attend class at 10 that day".. my mom agreed to do it because she really was supposed to wake me and she was so busy at the spa that she forgot. oh well.

anyway. this week's almost over. really, fervently, thank God for this though i have been neglecting Him completely. sigh. (there i go again) only saturday and sunday left, equally as difficult days in themselves. my 3 literature presentations are done, my french orale test has passed (which i totally sucked at), i've given up on my computing lab report and have handed it in, i've gone for taekwondo at least once and worked once at the cultural centre for rhapsody. which brings me to my rant of the day against (not-really) strangers: "the President's the highest priority, you "culturally-inclined" idiots. we're trying to help you and you throw us dumb irritated looks. you want to leave 1500 plastic bags strewn in his path?".. anyway things all worked out in the end and we all got nice things to bring away. (sans some sort of liquid cholesterol drink.. i know, it sounds totally gross, and you know what, it is!) i just wish that next time, or for all time, people'd stop throwing dirty looks at people who're just trying to help. things happen, and we're not and will never be omniscient/present. so. it's unprofessional to complain in public, and in big groups.

2 performances more. i pray i don't screw up.

i don't know if i'll be happy in the end, but i know the end'll be happy!

serial dreamer had time to talk trash at 11:22 PM


  posted by juice.susceptible @ 10:31 PM

 
Wednesday September 08, 2004

funny how school kinda warps things up for us all.i remember thinking that i couldn't wait for it to come, and now that it's here, everyone shares the same longing for those 4 measly days of semester break. which i will probably spend frantically doing last minute essays. it's not just the presentations and performances i guess. factor in people, and the equation just gets too messy for words. why do i try to take on the burdens of everyone, i just don't know. i should just be thankful i have a soft surface to lay my head at night, and endeavour to stretch out those precious moments when a jazz song happens to be on MTV and i can close my eyes for a brief respite before setting off to do more work elsewhere.

sometimes i do the juvenile "jedi" thing inside my head and try to envision fear and awkwardness as a separate entity apart from the essence of me... i try to tell myself that i don't really care if i a) get kicked off the illegal shuttle bus by the driver, b) get shouted at in french by my lecturer for arriving late, or c) get stared at for my ugly zit-covered mug (oh don't say otherwise... i'm too convinced of that fact already to be moved).. you get the idea. prehaps i should chant the bene gesserit's oft-used fear litany... "fear is the mind-killer...i will face my fear and let it pass over me... in the end only i will remain." while in this case, i am my own killer. the only one who depresses me is me. thus even if i remain i shall still decay.

hmm. just went to watch les choristes, my first movie in months. tired of analysing fades and cuts and longshots, and so just let myself get carried away by the plot, good laughs, good cries. i miss chorale music, and bittersweet nostalgia reminds me it was never so pure and sweet as depicted in the movie. the character that made me think was clement mathieu. i'd love to learn to be so devoted to one specific thing/hobby, as music was for him, and to selflessly share my wisdom, never taking the credit, just to be content to nurture talent. will i ever be satisfied that way, to just keep each small achievement to myself? somehow i think i can't even attain that, maybe it really is true that i always seem to be able to pass things first time round but will never progress beyond a beginner's stage. and so, depression sets in again. yipes how predictable.

i'm just being pmsy. don't mind my gibberish.

serial dreamer had time to talk trash at 1:39 AM


Wednesday August 25, 2004

the unbearable loneliness of being.am listening to middle eastern music with an unidentifiable ache in my stomach and niggling pressure inside my brain. how do i get into these things? weird things creep into my schedule. though my voice is my sole companion, it does find difficulty saying the word no to people. anyhow. never knew arabic was so interesting. now i must practise my nuances... no matter how funny it may sound.

i am busy. my friend J., i understand what you're trying to say. but if i chose not to (as you so graphically put it) "perform an autopsy" on myself and show the public what i'm thinking, how will you ever know what goes on in my life? i cannot update myself to you guys all the time, and whatever trash i may say on meeting face to face are the mere trivialities of my schedule. this is MY way of telling you that stuff DOES go on beyond the timetable. or you can just go on thinking that it's uncomfortable reading what i write (or type, rather) and stop clicking on my link. go ahead. i won't be bothered at all. in the meantime, i'll just be a passing face on sundays. my only private time spent ruminating is here, in front of my laptop, alone at night. i thought YOU at least would understand that. but yes, perhaps you've too much to say for your own good. continue fantasizing about starring in some mtv with buxom blondes.

tarkos, yarkos
Wa 'albii maghros
Ayyam aal baal bisaiid itrouh

played two games of bowling today. 120, 119. not too bad for someone who's not touched a bowling ball since a year ago. forfeited a song for my poor pool prowess. heh. alliteration. school's started, and i must start thinking like an intellectual. though i really do feel quite insignificant wherever i go, it seems everyone around me are notches higher on the wisdom ladder. sigh. or maybe it's just my enhanced ability to negate myself. bah.

i am tired. i don't deny that, and this phrase is probably something you'll continually hear and get sick of hearing it from me. but we've lost all that we can't leave behind. twenty. laughable. i don't even ask for a bit of the innocence back. i just want to forget, and i just want peace. seems unattainable though. i'm very unhappy about my ten seconds of fat fame, i really wanted less but ah well. one should be quite thankful with the mercy of the editing staff.

perhaps i should ask for my own bit of island. without a laptop. so you won't have to read the rubbishy dreary stuff that i churn out every once in awhile.

and i'd make beautiful bowling balls out of empty coconut husks, digging the white meat out with my sharp fingernails. and i'd throw them at the trees, thinking they were pins, and then people, because i'd be all alone and start to hallucinate terribly. and all the people i'd love and hate. and bing them on the head with my self-made bowling balls. lovely.

serial dreamer had time to talk trash at 2:02 AM


  posted by juice.susceptible @ 10:21 PM